


Attack of the Chronofaeces

by Charamei



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Toilet humour, time poo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 19:36:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charamei/pseuds/Charamei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A blinky light on the TARDIS that none of the companions has ever seen before begins to flash urgently. There's an incoming package... but the Doctor doesn't seem too keen to explain what it's a package *of*. (Worldbuilding gone cracky. Approach with caution, and an umbrella.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attack of the Chronofaeces

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rbmifan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rbmifan/gifts).



"No, that's the matter-antimatter translator. _Honestly_ , Tegan, do try to pay attention."

"I am paying attention," Tegan snapped, and reached past Adric's helpful hand for the correct dial. "This console doesn't make any sense to me. I swear it all moves around when I'm not looking."

"That's because it's trying to help," Nyssa said, and glanced towards the corridor that led to the rest of the TARDIS. "I hope the Doctor's not going to be much longer."

Tegan agreed wholeheartedly. It was all very well the Doctor _telling_ them that they could maintain flight without him while he danced around the library reading up on Charles Burgess Fry, but the fact of the matter was that none of them had much idea what they were doing. Not even Adric. The TARDIS's help was more like hindrance, anyway –

A light that she had never seen before began to blink urgently. She groaned. "What's that one, the check engine light?"

Adric leaned over to have a look. "Oh, that," he said dismissively. "I shouldn't worry about that."

"Why not? What does it do?"

"Oh, it… er..."

"You don't know, do you?"

"Well, no, but it's obviously not _important_ , is it? Else we'd know what it did."

"Speak for yourself," Tegan said. "I barely know how to operate the doors."

"It does look like some sort of warning," Nyssa said. "We shouldn't ignore it just because we don't know what it's warning us about." She inspected it for a moment, then turned and walked over to the mouth of the corridor. "Doctor! Could you come here a moment, please?"

"Good luck with that," Tegan muttered, and inspected the fluid link for signs of damage. There were none.

It took the Doctor several minutes to retrieve himself from wherever he'd been hiding. During that time they narrowly avoided crashing into a moon (Adric's fault, though he insisted it was Nyssa's) and scoured every part of the TARDIS that they could find for signs of breakages. All to no avail – the only thing they'd accomplished was making a mess of the roundels.

The Doctor tutted at the exposed roundels, then turned his attention to the blinking light. "Ah, yes, that. That's the chronofaecal authenticator. The TARDIS will handle that by herself. No need to worry."

"You see, I told you not to worry about it," Adric said.

"If we don't need to worry about it, why's it blinking at us?" Tegan asked sourly.

"Chronofaecal authenticator?" Nyssa said, slowly.

The Doctor beamed at her. "Yes, that's right. Tegan, it's blinking because it's detecting an incoming, ah, package. We might still fly into it. That would be… messy."

"Because it's an incoming package of time-travelling faecal matter, you mean," Nyssa said.

Tegan and Adric stared at her.

"Well, that's what the Doctor said," she explained, a little defensively. "Chronofaecal authenticator. Chrono, as in time, and faecal, as in…"

"Poo," Tegan said. "It's warning us about _time poo_?"

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, suddenly looking rather flustered. "Yes, well. It's all a bit embarrassing, really."

"Do tell," Adric said.

Tegan folded her arms. "This had better be good."

The Doctor's gaze darted between the three of them: Tegan got the impression that he was searching for an escape. When one was not immediately apparent, his shoulders sagged a little in defeat. "It's one of Gallifrey's greatest cosmoecological disasters. You see, Gallifrey is very dry. Most of its drinkable water is underground, so our ancestors couldn't bury their… refuse."

"So they jettisoned it into the Vortex instead," Nyssa said.

"Yes. Well, they tried to shoot it into the future, but it didn't always get there."

"They shot it into the future?" Tegan rolled her eyes. "I bet _that_ didn't come back to bite them or anything."

"Well, when it reappeared, they just shot it forwards again. Nowadays we reconstitute it into more useful forms of matter, of course. But there's still quite a lot of it out there, floating around in the Vortex." The Doctor was actually beginning to go red now. "So the TARDIS scans for it, scoops it up, and sends it back to Gallifrey for processing."

"So I'm flying in a – an alien shit collector?"

The Doctor cringed. "A very advanced space-time machine that just happens to have a quaternary function as an environmental scrubber, yes."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this."

"Ah, the endless wonders of the universe," Adric said snidely. "The light's still blinking, Doctor."

"Oh, dear, is it?" The Doctor turned to fiddle with the console, twisting a few dials. "Hmm, yes, it looks to be pre-industrial revolution waste that's been booted ten or eleven times. They start to get tetchy after a while, you see."

"All those bacteria don't just stop evolving because you expose them to Vortex radiation," Nyssa guessed. Tegan looked at her in horror.

"You mean we might have to _fight_ the time poo?"

"We might," the Doctor said. "It's very rare, but it does happen. I once scooped a load that had evolved an entire civilisation in its capsule. Fortunately I don't think Jamie understood more than one word in ten of my explanation… ah! Yes, here we go. Deploying the scoop."

More dashing around the console. Tegan tried not to meet anyone's eye, because she wasn't sure whether she would laugh, cry, or hit them. Nyssa, too, was studying the ceiling with extreme interest. Adric just looked aghast.

"Deploying… oh, you sneaky thing, it's dodged us! Pity the tractor beam's broken." The Doctor frowned. "Adric, go and adjust the flight stabilisers, would you? We're going to have to give chase… er… ah."

"Oh, what now?" Tegan groaned.

"It's, er, found the transmat." The Doctor gave them his best annoyingly cheerful smile. "Still! At least it's on board now."

"And angry," Nyssa added, as a wet roar sounded from deep within the TARDIS.

"And angry, yes, thank you, Nyssa… come on, everyone! Into the fray again."

And he charged off, leaving them staring after him in shock.

"I suppose we should go and help him," Nyssa sighed, though Tegan noticed she made no attempt to move.

"Yes," Adric said, equally reluctantly. "Of course, it is Gallifrey's mess to clean up. None of us are Gallifreyan…"

"And besides, if he'd been at the controls when it found us, none of this would have happened," Tegan said, and picked up a box that she'd found hidden in one of the roundels. "Who's for Ludo?"

**Author's Note:**

> During an extended discussion about pre-Rassilonian Gallifrey, RBMIfan and I happened upon the concept of, well, time poo - faecal matter shot into the future by the Gallifreyans of old, to save themselves having to deal with it in the present. This... was the natural outgrowth of that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.


End file.
